Judgments, Opinions and Assumptions are Happening Inside Us All the Time HOWEVER…

The trick is knowing when to share them and when to keep quiet and let your partner express themselves without giving your opinion, advice for action, or downgrading the emotional content. (i.e. “You’re overreacting”, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “Why didn’t you say…” “I would have handled it differently.”) Instead, ASK RATHER THAN ASSUME. Ask…

Learn the Language of Secure Attachment.

Memorize these sentences and use them frequently!     “Here I am.”  “We’re a team.”    “We can work this out.”   “I’m IN!  I’m not going anywhere.”   “I’m here for you.”  “What do you need?”  “I’ll do my best to try to hear you and give you what you want.”     “ I value you.”  “You are important to…

Know how to recognize and answer the “Deadly Questions” when they arise.

You know the ones I’m talking about.  The low self esteem generated ‘Am I enough?’ inquiries.    The ONLY ‘get out of jail’ answer is to meet and greet these questions with a loving, supportive, affirming response.  For example: Am I fat?  “You look beautiful to me.”     Am I sexy?  “ALWAYS, TOTALLY!”    Am I balding?  “I…

Ask yourself…. Is this worth going to war over? Usually it’s not!

Keep your conversation constructive vs. destructive. Avoid blaming and the infamous button pushers…”You always”, “you never”, or “you should.” Try to really hear your partner’s point of view. Don’t nod and pretend you’re listening, just waiting to jump in and make your argument. Agree to disagree.  You don’t have to change anybody’s mind.  Just listen…

Choose to be a Listener rather than a Judge or an Advisor.

Listening well is the secret to having a really great conversation and effectively working through issues that arise. Here are 3 quick tips. Give your partner your undivided, quality attention. Maintain eye contact. Lean in. Keep your body and ears uncrossed and open. Stop yourself from interrupting.   Really listen vs. preparing your defense or response,…