Talk about your wonderful and joyous feelings and the sad and lonely ones too. Anger, happiness and surprise are all states of being. They are not right or wrong, justified or unjustified. They do occur and are very real to the person experiencing them. Disclosing yourself, sharing your feelings (without blame) immediately brings you to…
Shallow breathing is an automatic physical response to anxiety and also increases anxiety. When you are feeling uptight or anxious, you can consciously counteract it by slowing and deepening your breath. Inhale slowly counting to five. Exhale slowly counting to five. Calming your breath and allowing pauses between your inhalation and exhalation will have a…
When our partner is ‘activated’ it’s easy to get our buttons pushed and go off our own deep end. When the emotional waves get rough, it is vital that the least activated partner remain steady and hold onto the BIGGER RELATIONSHIP PICTURE. When your partner is drowning, throw your partner a life raft, don’t jump…
When your partner is upset Do you know 3 or 4 things that will help your partner calm down, feel safe, and feel most loved? Do you know what soothes your partner? Knowing ahead of time the particular statement that connects with your lover’s heart, a certain move or touch that immediately soothes, not only…
Often when we are in emotional distress we automatically fall back into primal survival patterns of response. Fight (criticize, push away), flight (get me out of here now!) or freeze (shut down, wall up). The next time this happens, pause, step back, take a few deep, conscious breaths and then do the exact opposite of…
When you find yourself anxious or upset about something your partner did or didn’t do, STOP and take a 15- 30 minute break with a specific goal to first release the anxiety and tension and reconnect with yourself BEFORE attempting any problem- solving ‘let’s fix this’ conversations.
Whether you’re having a minor disagreement or a substantial argument, our brain’s logical left side gets overwhelmed as the emotional right side screams THREAT! and floods us with anxious stress chemicals and primal fight or flight directives. In a blink, you may feel separated and disconnected and see your partner as an adversary on a…
No matter how boiling, burning or bitter you feel, you must have an ironclad agreement with each other to not yell at or berate each other. When you feel yourself raising your voice, STOP and tell yourself, “This will get me nowhere fast and will only make things worse.” Take a time out. Breathe slow…
Keep your conversation constructive vs. destructive. Avoid blaming and the infamous button pushers…”You always”, “you never”, or “you should.” Try to really hear your partner’s point of view. Don’t nod and pretend you’re listening, just waiting to jump in and make your argument. Agree to disagree. You don’t have to change anybody’s mind. Just listen…
