I am often asked, what is effective communication?  It’s very simple. What you say to your partner is actually heard by your partner. Your message sent is the message received. Few experiences are more gratifying than expressing yourself, saying something that is deep and personal and having it heard and received by your partner. This fosters true intimacy.

The more emotionally generous you are, the more love you feel. Accentuating the positive and acknowledging what is good in each other and in the relationship, has positive effects for both of you. When you let your partner know that you recognize his efforts, say thank you and express your gratitude, you help your partner feel recognized and appreciated and you help yourself value and receive what is being given to you on a deeper level.

We each have our own special way that we feel loved.  You may feel most loved when you’re held and told how much you are loved. For your partner, it may be through appreciation and gratitude.   It’s important to KNOW your partner’s love language and speak to them in their language.

Talking to each other is one the main tools we use to connect with each other. It’s how we extend ourselves and let our partner know who we are, what we need and how we feel. It’s important for the partnership to create an open passageway where each person can safely express themselves without fear of rejection or judgment. Mutual respect, trust and understanding come from our willingness to say our truth and allow our partner to do the same.

In fact BODY LANGUAGE is just as important as spoken language when it comes to love relationships. Your partner’s words may say it’s OK, it’s settled, but their posture, bearing and expression may indicate disapproval or resentment. We not only need to say what we mean, we need to BE what we mean too.

The best way to encourage your partner to open up and share is to be open to LISTEN and HEAR nondefensively what he or she has to say.   Ask your partner what he or she needs.  Encourage sharing by saying: “Tell me more.” Give feedback about what you heard them say.

The facts and feelings you choose to withhold from your partner paves the road towards disconnection; the feelings and facts you are willing to share, bring you closer.

The next time you want to hold back from sharing, ask yourself, “Am I moving toward or away from deeper intimacy right now?”

Memorize these sentences and use them frequently!     “Here I am.”  “We’re a team.”    “We can work this out.”   “I’m IN!  I’m not going anywhere.”   “I’m here for you.”  “What do you need?”  “I’ll do my best to try to hear you and give you what you want.”     “ I value you.”  “You are important to me.”  “What you think and feel matters to me.”   “For me, there is no one but you.” “ I’m on your side.”  “I’ll stand by you.”    “WE can and will work it out.”  “I love you.”