Where are you putting your attention?
What we focus on, grows.
Most fights and distress in relationships can be boiled down to a few core issues.
“I don’t feel loved.” “I don’t feel connected.” “I don’t feel safe with you.” The longer we feel disconnected from each other, the more negative our interactions become. Underneath most distress calls are protests over our feeling emotionally disconnected from each other. The sooner you can address the true nature of your partner’s heart’s call,…
Great Daytime Date Idea #1: Get out and PLAY
Be KIDS again. Have a day at the park. Fly a kite. Swing from the monkey bars. Slide down the BIG slide. Push each other on swings. Ride a tandem bike. Have a picnic of all your favorite goodies. And don’t forget the blanket.
Breathe before taking any action.
Rather than focusing on trying to connect or disconnect from your partner, it’s important to learn to breathe and reconnect with yourself first before taking any action.
Make Your Love Visionary Stronger than Your Fear
Underneath the dark shadows cast by fear, is the light of love. Look to see the LIGHT in yourself and in your partner. Connection is then close at hand.
Taking A Healthy Pause
Before building into an argument, or going on auto pilot when issues arise, it is wise to take a pause. Here’s how to take a PAUSE IN A HEALTHY WAY: “You gave me a lot to think about and look at. Can we talk later after I let it all settle in?” It’s important to…
Be the captain, keep steering, don’t go down with the ship.
When our partner is ‘activated’ it’s easy to get our buttons pushed and go off our own deep end. When the emotional waves get rough, it is vital that the least activated partner remain steady and hold onto the BIGGER RELATIONSHIP PICTURE. When your partner is drowning, throw your partner a life raft, don’t jump…
CONTACT MORE. CONSTRICT LESS.
For a relationship to thrive it’s important to stay OPEN and in regular intimate contact with each other. This includes sharing both your wows and your woes.
Soothing and Attuning
When your partner is upset Do you know 3 or 4 things that will help your partner calm down, feel safe, and feel most loved? Do you know what soothes your partner? Knowing ahead of time the particular statement that connects with your lover’s heart, a certain move or touch that immediately soothes, not only…
When in OUCH!, do the opposite of your impulse.
Often when we are in emotional distress we automatically fall back into primal survival patterns of response. Fight (criticize, push away), flight (get me out of here now!) or freeze (shut down, wall up). The next time this happens, pause, step back, take a few deep, conscious breaths and then do the exact opposite of…