Relationship Rx: Dr. Sheri’s Prescriptions for Partners
THE ROAD FROM SELF PROTECTION BACK TO CONNECTION
Usually whatever we are fighting about can be boiled down to one of the following bottom lines: ‘I don’t feel loved.’ “I don’t feel heard.” “I don’t feel understood.” However, when we go into self-protection and fear, our desire for love often gets communicated in disguised, distorted, defensive and less than satisfying ways. It’s important to recognize that underneath the crabby, angry, pouting, blaming behavior, our hearts are calling out for love, attention, reassurance, and/or approval.
To successfully navigate and resolve whatever you are fighting about, you have to find within yourself the creativity, patience, understanding, and inner security to stop pushing away or against your partner and instead lean IN saying “This obstacle that we are encountering is here to strengthen our love and acceptance. We may be a little stuck right now but we’ll get through this! I love you.”
MELTING YOUR ARMOR, ANSWERING LOVE’S CALL
When we attune, listen to and respond to our own love’s call it’s easier to hear our partner’s bid for love, no matter what the delivery system is.
Here are some ways to begin the process of melting your own armor and softening the desire to annihilate vs. love each other!
The following process is very powerful to do together as a couple, but if your partner isn’t ready yet, then the most important thing you can do is to lovingly become present within yourself.
First, (this may be the hardest part) STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING to fuel the fires. Let go of any and all agendas, defensive posturing, cases to build, shame, blame or that “I just have one more important thing to say” that’s burning to be spoken or screamed.
Look at each other and wait until you really SEE your partner.
THEN, DO THIS….
Take some deep breaths and let out a sound that physically helps you to release tension from your body. Imagine the air entering and leaving through your heart area/center of your chest. Think of a calming word, such as love, peace, relaxation, joy, and slowly breath the energy of the word in and out, saying to yourself. “I’m breathing in… love. I’m breathing out… love”. Do this until it feels true and your body begins to relax and center.
TUNE INTO YOURSELF AND ACCESS YOUR CONNECTION
Let yourself become aware of what it feels like inside your body to be stuck, angry, hurt. Give yourself your full attention.
Am I feeling connected or disconnected?
Where am I holding tension?
What am I saying to myself and/or out loud that creates separation?
How do I resist love?
Breathe deeply into the place in your body that most strongly holds your sense of separation and resistance to love. Lovingly and with full acceptance, breathe the energy of your chosen word into that place. The goal isn’t to make it go away or even change. It’s about honoring, accepting and listening softly.
Ask this part of yourself…
What do you need?
What would you like for me to know?
What makes you feel most loved?
What makes you feel most safe?
What am I doing that makes you feel so separated and alone?
LET THE REAL CONVERSATION BEGIN:
Feeling safe with one another comes from trusting that we are known, loved and accepted as we are.
When you feel ready turn to your partner and say…. “I’m here. I’m willing to hear you. I’m interested in what you have to say.” “Let’s work this out.”